Broken Leg

At the risk of offending some I have to say the one comment that really pisses me off is.... "Well, maybe this is a sign that you should slow down.".  I know people mean well but I can't help think that if God really wanted to slow me down couldn't he have just dished out a broken leg?

"We hope your Mom is gonna live"

I talked to Jacy's teacher and she told me how Jacy told her and the entire class about me. The teacher told me it was all very positive and that Jacy did really well.

I asked her about it when she got home and told her how proud I was of her. She acted like it was no big deal and seemed just fine. At that point I was patting myself on the back at my remarkable parenting skills and for making the right choice in telling my children of my cancer.

Then, before bed, Jacy came up and told me how a few of her best friends came up to her and hugged her and told her " We hope your mom is gonna live".

What a punch to the gut!  I am starting to question all of those damn books that talk about being open and honest with your kids about cancer. God, please grant me the wisdom to say and do the right things to comfort my children and take away any fear they may have.

Family Meeting

Eckhoff Living Room on Sunday, March 25, 2012
All present.. Dad, Mom, Daughter, Son, Dog and Fish


AGENDA

Dad's Birthday on Sunday, April 1
After much discussion a motion was made by Daughter, with son seconding it, that for the 4th straight year the best gift for Dad would be a day at the waterpark.

One lost Nintendo DS
Son confirmed he did not take it to school without permission. Parents believe that it must be in the home and an unpopular vote passes that a new one will not be purchased. Addendum made that son may ask Santa for another if it is not found before Christmas.

Mom
Mom and Dad gave presentation on Mom's cancer. Confirmed that this is not something Son & Daughter can catch. Dad will not get this. They will not get this. And it 100% does not have anything to do with anything they did. Daughter took the floor and talked about her surgery. Unanimous vote that all comments they hear and all questions Son and Daughter have be brought back to Mom and Dad for review. Mom motioned that hugs and love be on high demand. Son took the floor and asked when was dinner.

Easter
Since mom will be gone over Easter a discussion was had about writing to the Easter Bunny to ask him to come Early. Daughter suggested TWO Easters. Vote was tabled until Grandma and Papa could be contacted.

The meeting adjourned with kids seemingly OK and Mom and dad relieved. Mom and Dad have a side meeting hoping that the trust and open lines of communication have been established for the next meeting, when things really start to get rocky.

What I Do Know...

Not in any particular order.
1. Good news, the tumor on my liver is not cancer.
2. I have invasive breast cancer.
3. I want to live to see my children grow up.
4. If chopping off body parts is what it takes for #3 then they can take whatever they want.
5. If chemo and loosing my hair will help assure #3 then bring it on.
6. I have already looked at wigs and am secretly longing for the long ginger.
7. I want to grow old with Mr. Eckhoff.
8. I do feel just a tiny bit guilty for knowing and acting on the fact that Mr. Eckhoff can't say no to me right now.
9. I am so thankful for the support, prayers and positive vibes everyone has been sending.
10. I do believe it is ultimately in God's hands but I also believe he gave us the brains and fortitude to fight when we can.
11. This sucks.
12. I am worried about telling my children.
13. Life is sweet and fragile and I hope time doesn't lessen that realization.
14. I am going to guilt all my friends and family in at least one Susan G. Komen run.
15. I will only wear bright pink.
16.I am scared.

Pocahontas

Most of my good friends have met Pocahontas back in the day. If you haven't, don't ask and just bypass this post.

As I waited for my liver MRI to tell me if the lesions on my liver look cancerous, I couldn't help but think this could really explain a lot. Now it's all starting to make sense...why I can't hold my liquor. OK...now we are getting somewhere. Finally evidence that my inability to be nice after a few too many drinks is medically explainable. Ha! Those bartenders, strangers outside of Zorbaz, and even my old boss who I sat next to the night before fishing extravaganza are sure going to feel stupid when they hear about this. And to the Hartings...don't beat yourself up too much about all the grief I received pertaining to the bathroom incident. I forgive you.

So, to all of you whom I may have offended when I had a few drinks...I accept your apology.

You mean we get to choose?

It's been a full day and one more appointment to go. My boobs haven't had this much attention since...well, let's just leave that one alone.

Ultrasound on my lymph nodes first thing this morning. When the young tech leaves the room and grabs another, which I assume more experienced tech, you think "mmmmm". When that more experienced tech leaves the room and the radiologist walks in to do your ultrasound you think "oh shit". After all that, his comment was "they don't look that abnormal". What the hell does that even mean? Just as I am starting to calm down and think happy thoughts he throws in that we won't know if the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes until surgery. A roller coaster ride for sure.

What I do know is that Surgery has been scheduled for April 5th. Met with my surgeon and we came to the conclusion that both breasts, after quite a run, will be retired and I get a brand new set. Chris and I met with the plastic surgery department. We are shown different implants, etc. and asked if we have thought about what size. Chris can barely contain himself. "You mean we get to choose?". Correction Mr. Eckhoff, I get to choose and I am pretty sure they are not what you had in mind.

I HATE PINK!!

Not all pink, just pastel pink. Always have. I guess you could say that I am more of a primary color kind of gal. Even when my beautiful daughter was born I stayed away from baby pink. Her room had bright colors in it and I dressed her mostly in fun, bright colors. Think about it...ever see me dressed in light pink? I think not.

Now I am drowning in pink. I'm starting to dream in pink. It's all I see around me. My nurses have pink scrubs on. It's all over the walls in the pictures and the artwork. In the elevators, in the cafeteria and in the waiting room I see so many absolutely courageous women wearing it. I turn on the TV and I see a sea of people advertising it in the rally's and walks. Kum Ba Ya in pink!

I get it but all this pink just pisses me off. I worry like hell that I will soon be so used to it that I turn into one of the masses wearing that God awful color.

Cancer - it's a tough word to say when it pertains to you.  It still is harder for me to say that word than it is to hear it.  The C-Word takes on a whole new meaning when you have cancer.  When I was first diagnosed I couldn't say the word, it was like if I said it out loud it would make it real.  At home alone I finally had to say it...first I whispered it, then I said it a little louder until I finally screamed it out loud.  Did it help? - yes.  Does it make it any easier to pass from my lips? - NO.