CANCER = ???

My doctor hates the word Cancer and how it is used as such a broad term of diagnosis. When you think about it, the word Cancer is often thought of as a singular disease. However, its meaning can vary greatly to each person and each person's story. Even within my diagnosis of breast cancer there were so many variables, some of which can change even as you go through the process. Let me touch on just a few (and forgive me for not always using correct medical terminology).

First, what type of breast cancer? I was diagnosed with Ductal Carcinoma, meaning my cancer began in the ducts of the breast. This cancer represents 75% of all breast cancers. There is also Lobular and less common types such as Medullary, Mucinous, Tubular, Papillary and Pagets. I won't even start to try and explain them all in detail.

Is the cancer "in situ" (basically meaning in place) or has it become invasive? If it's invasive, how far has it spread? I had many small spots of cancer, some in situ and others invasive. Others may have one tumor. Either way, you need to look at what is the size of the tumor(s) and what is the grade? The grade is how aggressive the tumor is. Then there is what most people know about cancer...the stage, which is determined by the grade and the size. We have to find out if you are estrogen positive or negative? Also, are you BRCA1 or BRCA2 positive, which we find out by genetic testing. Basically that tells you if you have the cancer gene, therefore putting you at higher risks for reoccurrence and other cancers. I had 90% of my genes mapped and was negative.

So, how you treat your cancer will depend on every one of these questions. Then armed with answers it will also depend on where you are being treated, your doctor's recommendations, even your age and finally your wishes. I won't even start to talk about all the variables of reconstruction if you have a mastectomy. But that will also come into play with deciding on your course of your healing.

When you first hear the words confirming you have cancer your first thoughts are very grim. No way around it, death immediately comes to mind. This is why my doctor hates that word on its own. It immediately sends you, and everyone you love, into very dark thoughts. As you can imagine, trying to learn all the ins and outs of your diagnosis is information overload. Especially since you are still in shock from hearing you have cancer in the first place. It takes a bit to claw your way back to finding hope and hopefully your faith.

I write this because like many of you, I had no idea of the complexity of it all. I can't speak for everyone but sometimes many of the survivors I have talked to find it hard to hear some of the well-intended suggestions and questions from people when they are first trying to absorb it all and figure out the best course of action.

I have a good friend who was recently diagnosed. Even though my friend and I were both diagnosed with breast cancer our journey of healing has taken very different paths. However, as survivors we are still very much connected with our fight, hope and faith.

A common question immediately out of people's mouths is "what is the stage of your cancer?". My friend said that question felt like they were asking her if she was going to die? She didn't share her stage because she wanted to focus on what she was doing to treat her cancer. She needed to focus on the positive & not the negative of her cancer.

One other thing you should never do to someone newly diagnosed is tell them a story of someone who has lost their battle. This happens more than you can imagine. Remember, when we are first diagnosed we are clinging to hope and need every positive story and every miracle.

So, next time someone you know is diagnosed offer an ear to what they are willing to share at that moment. Everyone is different. If you are unsure of where they are at with their journey aSk questions that focus on their plan of healing. Ask how you can help and by all means offer prayer and positive thoughts. And no matter what, please know above all else we need you and we are so grateful for your love and support.

Male nurses, two little blips and God

I started my reconstruction and am on lots of meds so this might ramble... It was a tough road getting here again. Being my normal, rebellious self I didn't listen to anybody's advice and one day last week I sat on the Internet all day and watched every video on reconstruction... I watched medical videos and I watched video blogs of other women, where at the end they show you their battle wounds. Dont worry i have no intention of showing you quite yet. Although we have joked about a big reveal when all is said and done! It's just that I didnt remember much about being in the hospital last time. HELLO, DEFENSE MECHANISM!

I have been in the hospital for three nights. The first night was spent throwing up and heaving all night, sending my chest into unbelievable pain. Then we started having issues with my blood pressure being too low. I would have episodes where I couldn't lift my head or even open my eyes and it would feel like my whole body was riding a roller coaster.

I am told I will be released today on the condition that I eat something and actually hold it down and that we stay in Rochester for another night or two.

What I have learned this go around.

I will need to carry a medical card because when all is said (after 2-3 more surgeries) I will set off all airport security. I don't think many people realize that reconstruction is way more complicated than just throwing in some implants.

I truly like male nurses, and not just the hunky ones. I have had two different ones here and they rock. They aren't syrupy and are super fast in checking vitals when every little movement can set off severe nausea. They don't want to know your dogs name and keep chatter to what's important. They dont continually ask my number on the pain scale because they know i am in pain. I did have a great female nurse too that I do have to mention. Seriously, do nurses know how important they are? It so makes all the difference in the world.

Even though this has been tough and I still have a ways to go I get extremely giddy seeing two little blips starting to grow on my chest. They don't much matter when you are fighting for your life but after, they kind of do.

My relationship with God is starting to heal. I am letting go of some of the anger I have carried for so long, starting way before my daughters illness. I had been angry with him for a lot of reasons but this wasn't one of them. I have always hated when people put the positive spin on cancer and all the life's lessons you learn. I still hate it. Cancer sucks and I just refuse to give it any positive accolades in any way, shape or form. It's a tough one to reconcile, but at least I feel like I may actually have the big guy upstairs rooting for me!