Giant Turd

Sitting in the hotel room while everyone is downstairs at the waterpark. I am nervous. It will be my first outing in the new waterproof boobs. Can i really go down the slides with my children? What if one comes flying out and hits a kid as I get slammed around the giant whirlpool slide? I am having severe anxiety. In my minds eye I see the angry parents holding my boob and turning it over to authorities as evidence. There will be a large trial with the nation divided...see how my anxiety manifests?

Or I picture walking into the waterpark and everyone and everything coming to a complete standstill. There will be a collective gasp as I take off the towel. All eyes are on me and everyone will know they are fake because one is down by my belly and the other has slid to my back.

Ok, enough with the dramatics, but I am still nervous and having a tough time building the courage to feel so exposed. It's one thing to wear the fakes under layers of clothes but quite another to wear them with a swimsuit. I did try to find a suit I could wear just flat chested but it is next to impossible. They either don't have enough fabric to cover my scars or there is way too much fabric where there should be breasts. I think I am going to design swimsuits that do not hold us hostage.

Well, enough stalling it's go time for me and my boobs. Wish me luck because I have just been informed that one of the slides swirls around and flushes you down just like a giant toilet. Great, just what I need. As if I wasn't feeling like a giant turd already. Bravo God, you just keep the laughs coming!

Guilt and The Race

Some friends of mine talked about getting a team together to do the Susan G Koman Race for a Cure in Brainerd on June 30th. At first I was opposed because I guess you could say I still didn't feel like I fit into the category of "survivor". I think it's because I have always thought of cancer as Chemo and the bald head. Both of which I didn't get. There is a certain amount of guilt I feel because of this. Like I didn't battle long enough to be considered a survivor. The other day I had a woman I do business with stop in and she definitely has the cancer look from Chemo. We were diagnosed around the same time so it's hard to look at her without feeling guilty. I know women who are fighting for their lives and I have known women who have lost that fight and I feel the guilt.

I know I am not alone in this feeling. I have shared this with other women who are still newbies in the breast cancer club. One woman who is doing wonderful a year after her surgery said a close friend of hers died of breast cancer two weeks prior to her diagnosis. She will live but her friend did not and she feels the guilt.

My husband was upset when I told him how I had been feeling. He pointed out the hard facts. We got the shit show when I got diagnosed with breast cancer. I have the scars from my battle both physically and mentally. We are not done with this. We have had one hell of a scare. And yes, most importantly I guess that all makes me a survivor.

The best thing for us rookies is to reach out and talk to the veterans because they get it and they can shine some wisdom and light on it all. I was asked what I would feel if someone I knew was diagnosed with breast cancer. Devastated for sure. Then i was asked what my reaction would be to find out this person got the best possible prognosis. I would be so thankful and happy for them.

AaaHaa...lightbulb moment. So, that is why I am going to do this Race for the Cure. Because I want every woman who comes after me to certainly not have to have go through what I went through. I pray for a cure for cancer in my lifetime and when that happens I certainly hope to hell that the rookies don't feel one once of guilt because of it.

So, I am asking all of you to join me on my team on Saturday, June 30th in Brainerd. Let me know if you are interested and I will send you the necessary info. For the travelers - we have plenty of free lodging available and will be enjoying a ladies day/night out on the lake after the race. Men, I am sure we can find something for you to do - Golf, fishing?

If you have a clever team name I am open to hear it. I am apt to think Team Pocahontas might offend. To my brother and brother-in-laws: you got off easy not having to shave your heads in solidarity so you are expected to be there!

Sitting on the front porch

Sometimes you just have to find the humor in all of this. I came home to find a box sitting on the front entry. Yeah, mommies new boobs are here! Not just any boobs either...these babies are for the lake. And at $159 per tit I think they are an absolute steal. Thank you to the wonderful lady I sat next to at Mayo who told me about these waterproof wonders. Eventually I will start reconstruction surgery but honestly I am just not ready to go there. So for now this is my reality and do you know what, it's going to be alright. I'm going to be alright.

Perks!

Its hard now that the worst is over to stay positive. I am not at a point where my scars feel like badges of honor.  BUT,  in my quest to stay upbeat I have decided to try and think of the good of my journey with cancer.  It’s what I like to call Perks of being Diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  (In no particular order.)

 

 

1.       People don’t judge me if I don’t want to fix my hair or even get dressed for that matter.
2.       I do not need a bra at the moment & I have to think I may not always need one even after reconstruction.
3.       Eventually I will get new boobs that look like the boobs of a 20 year old!
4.       I am reminded over and over what amazing family and friends I have.
5.       I was honored with having a baby named after me – Welcome to the world Adley Rae!
6.       The minute a customer starts to complain I have found that all I have to do is blurt out...  
“I have breast cancer”.  Problem solved.
7.       I didn’t have to cook or clean for over a month.
8.       I have lost weight and not just the weight from the missing two blips that were on my chest.
9.       Although I don’t believe in learning life lessons this way I can’t help but think I am a better person because of this.
10.   I am more patient. 
11.    I have met amazing women who are survivors of this disease.
12.     My husband is super attentive and will snuggle when asked.
13.   I am allowed the TV Turner.  My husband will even suffer through countless episodes of The Real Housewives on BRAVO!
14.   Once I am done with this we are going on a family vacation. 
15.   If I want I can opt for reconstruction that will give me a free tummy tuck.  
16.     No more putting off things I want to do in life. 
17.     I am having fun with the prosthetics.  I mean who wouldn’t want to wake up in the morning and decide what size they would like to be for the day.
18.   I am now participating in a study at Mayo and hopefully in some small way I can contribute to finding a cure for this disease. 
19.   #10 is a flat out lie.  See, growing and evolving as we speak.   
20.   I am still thinking....

    

2% Family

Follow up visit at Mayo. All was going well until the doctor used the dreaded 98%. This is how it went down.

We were able to schedule my daughter's follow up visit for the same day as mine. I asked them if they would consider a family discount but no go. So, somehow I mixed up my appointment time and I missed my first appointment. At first they were rather huffy and made sure I knew how much of an inconvenience this was for them. I was able to finagle a little sympathy once I explained my daughter was four floors above me at this very moment with her appointment.

Once inside the exam room things start to calm down. The doctor and her nurse were in an especially good mood. I like to think they had been looking forward to seeing me all week and extremely happy I was able to make it after all. The doctor is delighted to reaffirm that I will not need chemo. Her exact words were "Although we can't 100% guarantee that cancer cells did not travel to other parts of your body we are 98% sure that we got everything during surgery."  Is the 98% quote something they teach these doctors in medical school?

I burst into tears and she thinks it is because of her good news. When it becomes clear that I am devastated she is very confused. Doesn't she know that we are the 2% family? Doesn't she understand that if there is a 2% chance that there are rogue cancer cells running wild in my body that I am doomed?  When you hear those disclaimers where they talk super fast at the end of the commercial - that's us. The ones who get loose stool, unexpected weight gain, can't move and other every other serious side affect. When I got my mammogram he said 98% sure it was nothing. This is definitely not good.

I suggest maybe we should do Chemo just to be 100% sure. In the history of her career she has never had anyone who has just been given a 98% cancer free bill of health ask for Chemo. I am told the likelihood of cancer cells bypassing my lymph nodes and traveling elsewhere is slim.  However, they can't say for sure.  I just know it is taking her everything she's got to not to use the 98% phrase again when trying to calm me down.

If we could just get our family down to 1%. If I could somehow just shave 1% off my unlikely odds it would mean lottery winner instead of cancer survivor!