OVER-SHARE APOLOGY & THANK YOU

When you have a say in how you want your breasts, it can be a bit overwhelming.  You see, for a normal breast enhancement you already have something to work with.  For a total reconstruction, you are starting from scratch.  So, when making decisions you start drawing a blank, like you never even had the damn things once.

Honestly, when you go through breast cancer all modesty about breasts go out the window.  Medically they are constantly out in the open, photographed, drawn on, and man-handled (not in a good way either!). 

So, I often caught myself staring!  You kind of forget women can get downright uncomfortable when you ask them questions about their boobs.  Like how many CC's are they, what 's their bra size, can I see them, and so forth and so forth.  Especially when the women didn't go through breast reconstruction and are total strangers.  For this I apologize.  

Now that I have my own and I'm close to the finish line, you can all go about your business without worry of being accosted at Caribou Coffee.   I feel great about my choices and I'm kinda obsessed with my own right now.  

But lastly, let me just say a big thank you to all the women who did patiently answer all my questions, regardless if they had walked in my shoes or not.  And especially a Thank you for those who had absolutely no problem over-sharing to show me what they were talking about. 

BOOBS, BIKINIS AND SASS

Last month I went to Mexico with a good friend to chaperone two high school girls for a spring break vacation.  I was a little apprehensive going for a week of swimsuits, as I am still very self conscious of my breasts.  I resigned to the fact that, not only was I traveling with 2 teenage girls with bodies that they can't possibly fully appreciate, but also with a friend that, dare I say it, has an amazing rack.  

Long story short is that I couldn't have had better traveling companions.  They were all so supportive.  Something changed for me that week because by the end of the week I started feeling good and I started getting my sass back.  Hell, by the end of the week I was wearing a bikini that the 16 year old gave me! Although Clearly I was a prime example of "What not to wear" or a "Fashion Don't".

I can only speak for myself, but what cancer did to me was take away my feminitity.  It took away my confidence.  In the beginning I was just in survival mode and moving along like a robot, not giving a shit about feeling sexy.  But when it's all over and you think you are ok, sometimes a glimpse in the mirror rushes it all back. It's like a kick in the gut seeing a constant reminder.   

Mexico reconfirmed my desire, and the fact that it's ok, for me to want to finish reconstruction, even though it hasn't been easy.  I don't want to hide my chest from my husband anymore. I don't feel complete and I want to.  I am no longer going to feel guilty for wanting to complete my reconstruction.  

Surgery is tomorrow and wish me luck.  I am nervous as hell, as I don't do well with anesthesia.  Last time it took them over 5 hours to wake me up.  The surgery will be 4-6 hours long and I will be in the hospital for at least a night.  Lord, please make everything go well because I don't think I can take another surgery after this one.

And Lord, please guide the doctor's hands, especially during the liposuction for the fat grafts that are needed.  If you see fit, allow them to take as much as humanly possible.  Amen.