Mr. Eckhoff told me I don't always have to be so strong. I am not sure what happened but I listened to him and now I am a blubbering idiot. I want the strong me to come back because this weak one can't seem to pull it together. The weak me wonders how the hell I am going to be a mom, be a wife, be a daughter, be a sister, be a friend and be a business owner. I physically hurt, I am exhausted all the time and I just want to crawl into a hole and wallow in my hurt and self pity.
I have been reading my books for cancer survivors, reading other cancer survivor's blogs and the resounding theme seems to be how this experience has changed them for the better and they wouldn't trade it for the world. WHAT??? This is such a lie. A lie for all of us in this stupid cancer club to help us cope, to somehow make this all ok. IT IS NOT OK! Cancer is not ok and certainly cutting off body parts to live is not ok. I feel like I have failed the cancer club somehow because I would much rather learn these life lessons some other way. I am sorry but take back my cancer club membership and please return my old, strong self back.
Don't let your life become cancer and pain; don't let you become cancer and pain. It certainly is a part of your life and can't be totally ignored, but put the strong women who is a Mom, wife, business owner, fun and awesome friend back to the front.
ReplyDeleteThe pain, the pills, the exhaustion, the "what's next" "what is coming tomorrow" all that crap, that crap is going to happen no matter what how much worrying or sobbing you do. So, to heck with it, accept it exists take whatever pills they are telling you to take, rest as needed, and keep focus on the fun part of your life that brings you joy, I would venture a guess, that, that joy outweighs the pain and worries. So, why worry, don't sweat it, get the rest you need and focus on the good stuff, if you organize/accept the bad stuff the good stuff is all right there for you to embrace.
OK, I have no idea if that made sense...but I hope it helps. I love you. I've never had cancer, this is your first go with cancer so, we have nothing to gage this against. I say we go with you are doing an excellent job, regardless of what any book says!! Hang in there!
Kerri